I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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