he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
