Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my phone needs a breathalizer
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
