Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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