Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
And then my night got REAL pukey
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
