we're chasing vodka with high fives
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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