I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I will be naked everywhere
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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