Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize