So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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