I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
