I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
