I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
