All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize