i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
