Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
