i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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