Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
