sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
