I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
