Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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