We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
