singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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