Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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