I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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