If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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