That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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