YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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