Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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