I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
