Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize