my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
