I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
