Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
