dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
