Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
