I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize