If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
