How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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