My hand turned me down
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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