Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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