Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
