Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
