I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
