Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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