four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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