Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
