I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
