So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
PANTIES FOUND
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