Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
