I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
