She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
