Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
