She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
