I hate your face
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize