Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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