He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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