i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
