I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
