Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
