Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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