He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
She announced her abortion via fbk
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
